EVERYTHING IS GAY.
Absolutely everything. Nature. U-turn signs. Elon Musk, according to now-irrelevant Minnesota Governor Tim Walz.
OK, so Elon - who has 12 kids, by the way - definitely isn’t gay. But apparently, two people who died nearly 2,000 years ago in a volcanic eruption might've been, and that’s supposed to be Really Big News. Because, as I said, everything has to be gay.
In 1914, while excavating the remains of Pompeii that have been long buried beneath the volcanic ash from Vesuvius’ eruption in 79 A.D., archaeologists uncovered the remains of two adult humans who’d died and been buried while huddling together, their clearly humanoid figures largely devoid of details. While no one knew who these two victims were, scientists theorized that they may have been a mother and a daughter, or two sisters. Over time, the pair, dubbed “The Two Maidens,” became one of the most iconic images from Pompeii.
Now, scientists say the results from new tests show at least one of the figures was a male, leading some to immediately rush to surmise that perhaps “The Two Maidens” were really…a gay couple.
Related: NBC's 'Queer Planet' Documentary Claims 'Nature Is Full of Queer Surprises'
Never mind that we currently have no idea if the second figure is a male as well, which seems like a relevant detail if one is going to claim the first one is gay. Never mind that even if both figures are male, there’s absolutely no way to know if they were gay, and it’s very possible that they were just two terrified people who were about to die because a giant volcano had just exploded down the street, the sky was clogged up with ash, and a river of lava was pouring into their house, and maybe they were just looking for some comfort in their finally moments before they were smothered and roasted alive. Perhaps one just passed out next to the other from all the smog.
And never mind that these people have been dead for like, two millennia, so it amounts to a hill of beans anyway, considering that these same scientists admit that even if they can prove both figures are men, that doesn't prove that they were gay, only that we can theorize that they were.
Because everything has to be gay. EVERYTHING.
Perhaps even more disturbing is the fact that the same tests show one of the figures was a young adult, while the second could’ve been a teen as young as 14. Not that that’ll bother the alphabet leftists, seeing as it never has before.